I shit you not:

NY Times.com — Inspired by the true story of Tennessee recluse Felix “Bush” Breazeale, who planned his funeral while he was still alive, director Aaron Schneider’s period thriller stars Robert Duvall, Bill Murray, Sissy Spacek, and Lewis Black.

Premiering at TIFF last September, “Get Low” was welcomed with open arms, heralded by critic Scott Weinberg @ Cinematical.com as “low-key, sincere, and satisfyingly confident…at its best, the film is a heartfelt and surprisingly insightful story about pain, guilt, loss and loneliness, and how — if we’re lucky — it’s never too late to earn a little friendship and forgiveness.”

I have to admit, that I became a fan of Robert Duvall’s after seeing him play Doc Brunder in Phenomenon (1996) alongside John Travolta.  If you haven’t checked that one in a while, maybe you should, because Duvall in my opinion, delivers one of the best supporting performances of his career in that film: “For a man who’s never been a father, it sure feels like I’m losing a son.”  God, I LOVE that scene.  I get all choked-up just thinking about it.  Fuck me.  Now I have to call my dad and tell him how much I love him.

But I started REALLY appreciating Duvall’s chops after seeing him give his heart-wrenching, Oscar-winning performance as broken-down, country singer/songwriter Mac Sledge in the 1983 classic, Tender Mercies (AKA, the real Crazy Heart.).  Talk about CRUSHING IT.

I’m really psyched to see Duvall take the lead and absolutely kill it in Get Low with ‘Big’ Ernie McCracken Bill Murray and Sissy Spacek at his side.  The film is skedded for a 2010 US release on July 30th, and you can bet your sweet ass I’ll be there.  Trailer:  COMMENCE!

Variety — Studio has set Rodriguez and Ethan Maniquis’ “Machete” for release in theaters on Sept. 3. Pic is based on Rodriguez’s fake trailer for “Grindhouse.”  Rodriguez and Maniquis co-directed the film from Rodriquez’s script.  “Machete” stars Danny Trejo as a blade-wielding Mexican ex-Federale who is double-crossed by a crooked politician. Robert De Niro, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriquez and Lindsay Lohan also star.

Please, please, please let this NOT suck.  That is all.

And now…”Let’s all go to the lob-by, to get ourselves a treat!”  Fake trailer:  ENGAGE!

If this doesn’t convince you to go see Kick-Ass, I don’t know what will:

Hey.  Cinesnob.  Stop taking life so seriously and go see Kick-Ass.  Leave the jaded adult-in-you back at the house for a couple of hours and enjoy yourself.  Go ahead.  You have my permission.  You can survive a day without watching another foreign film from your coveted Criterion dvd collection.  Rashomon isn’t as hip of a water cooler topic as you think.  Pretentious bastard.  JK, LOL ; )

Indiewire.com — Writer/directors Kieran & Michele Mulroney’s “Paper Man” had a special screening earlier this week in Manhattan, hosted by The Cinema Society along with UGG and the Suffolk County Film Commission. The film, which was shot entirely in Montauk at the tip of eastern Long Island, NY, centers on a washed-up writer who forms an unlikely friendship with a teenager.

I’m slightly biased in favor of this film right out of the gate because it was shot on location in Montauk, about two hours east of my alma mater Hofstra University in Long Island, NY (Jager bombs, UGGs and thugs, baby).  Fellas:  If you bring a chick ’round Montauk lighthouse in the summertime near the cliffs at magic hour with a bottle of wine and a picnic blanket, YOU WILL GET LAID.  NO QUESTIONS ASKED.  That is how effing magical that place can be.  As far as “Paper Man” goes, I have a feeling this one’s sure to warm the cockles of our hearts.  Maybe even the sub-cockle area (thank you, Dennis Leary).  With a stellar cast comprised of Jeff Daniels, Ryan Reynolds, Emma Stone (cute as fuck) and Lisa Kudrow, this one’s likely to be chock-full of solid performances.  “Paper Man” enjoys a April 23rd US release date.  I’m excited.  Questionably excited.  Trailer!  Engage:

PS:

You didn’t think you were going to get off that easy, did you, Daniels?

“Schmucks” is slated for a July 23rd US release and I have been counting down the nanoseconds since I peeped this trailer today.  First off, Paul Rudd is a master of deadpan delivery as evidenced by his air-tight performance in “Role Models,” (he also killed it in “The 40 Year Old Virgin,” “Knocked Up,” and “Forgetting Sarah Marshall too) and Steve Carell is a comic genius as evidenced by EVERYTHING he does (“Evan Almighty” excluded).  And if that doesn’t grease your gams, Zach Galifianakis will be playing a mind-control guru in the film.  Thankfully, director Jay Roach took the reigns on this one (helmed all three Austin Powers films, “Meet the Parents” and “Meet the Fockers”), so we all can rest assured that the film was in good hands.  I’m expecting great things here.  Please deliver, gents.  Trailer:

The Hollywood Reporter — Fresh off directing “Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps” for Fox, Oliver Stone is in talks to helm “Travis McGee” for the studio. Leonardo DiCaprio is attached to star as the lit-based title character.  McGee is the shaggy hero of 21 detective novels written by John D. MacDonald and could provide fodder for another Fox franchise. The movie will be based on the first book in the series, “The Deep Blue Good-by,” published in 1964.

I haven’t read any of MacDonald’s sleuth capers featuring the Travis McGee character, but if this guy was able to crank out twenty-fucking-one of them, I guess it’s safe to assume that the first in the series, “The Deep Blue Good-by,” probably rocked socks AND COCKS off.  AT THE SAME TIME.  CAPS-LOCK STUCK.  FUCK.

Again, I know very little about this Travis McGee dude, but to my relief (and ultimately Leo’s), he sounds like a character that would demand a less-intense performance from DiCaprio – a beach-bum PI in search of a hidden treasure.  Because, let’s be honest:  Given the top half of Leo’s IMDB wrap sheet, he could probably use a vacation from Seriousville.  Don’t think so?  Let’s take a second to consider the parts DC has played over, say, the last 10 years:  Almost all of which, have called for highly-complex and dark performances for unstable character types.  These dramatis personaes have got to be taking their toll on Leo’s psyche.  Think about it:

Amsterdam Vallon – The Gangs of New York (2002) – A troubled, vengeful son with a gory vendetta against the man who killed his father = one fucked-up dude.

Howard Hughes – The Aviator (2004) – An obsessive-compulsive germaphobe who locks himself in a private screening room and pisses in milk bottles (blows Mark Summers and Howie Mandel out of the fucking water when it comes to OCD wars)  = need I say more?

Billy Costigan – The Departed (2006) – A pill-addled, undercover cop whose identity begins to disintegrate as he becomes entrenched in the underbelly of a Boston-based Irish mob = f-f-f-fucking bonkers in the brain.

Teddy Daniels – Shutter Island (2010) – (CONTAINS SPOILER – highlight to reveal) >>> A FUCKING WACK-JOB.

Take it easy on the poor guy, Scorsese.  What’s your fucking problem, man?  You want to see LD go apeshit and start scaling skyscrapers?

That was a rhetorical question, Scorsese!!!

The Hollywood Reporter — The last time Corbin Bernsen, the actor-turned-indie director, stepped behind a camera, it was to help out a small town in Saskatchewan, making a movie that mobilized the community.  Now Bernsen is setting his sights closer to home, on Akron, Ohio, with the hopes of saving an ailing soap box derby tradition.  Bernsen is directing “25 Hill,” a family-friendly production with a budget of about $500,000 that begins shooting Wednesday in the town once nicknamed the Rubber City. He aims to save its nearly 75-year-old racing league, the All-American Soap Box Derby.

Yeah, this communal soapbox-nostalgia project sounds real warm and fuzzy and all, but let’s face one simple fact here:  Corbin Bernsen belongs IN FRONT of the camera, NOT behind it.  And he belongs in front of the camera in ONE context and one context ONLY.  Please, indulge:

“Come on, Dorn!  Take one for the team!”

Suck it up, Dorn.

Michel Gondry’s “The Thorn in the Heart,” premiered last year at the 2009 Cannes Film Festival.  The doc reflects Michel’s nostalgic exploration into the life of Gondry family matriarch and schoolteacher Suzanne Gondry (Michel’s aunt) and her son, Jean-Yves.  “Thorn” enjoys its limited US release tomorrow.

This definitely, maybe, might work.  As long the script doesn’t gargle B and the performances don’t blow C.  Now watch this T and don’t F that W tonight in a handicapped bathroom stall at the club unless your D is heavily protected.